I’m writting this post because I just want to say something and this may be the only way I have to speak my mind. The structure is going to be crappy, I apologise for that, and there’ll probably be grammar and spelling mistakes. Sorry.
I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. Of studying. Of worrying. Of myself. I’m tired.
I don’t know what I want to do. Sometimes I found myself thinking “I feel like doing (…)” and instead of doing it I just keep thinking of that. Yes, I’m that stupid.
I sometimes think about the old me, you know, the 12-16 year-old me, that girl who wasn’t that great but at least knew what she was doing. She had no fucking idea of what she was going to do in a couple of years time but she understood the present. I miss so much that.
Right now, I’m sitting in my desk, with my feet on the bed and my laptop on my legs instead on the table because I’m that stupid. Ecen though I know that if I keep this posture for too long my legs will start feeling numb and if I try to stand up it’ll hurt. That stupid am I.
Yeah, I haven’t been feeling happy with myself lately.
I’m getting better at being sociable. Let me explain, for a long period of time I’ve been having trouble surrounded by people, talking to them, even about the weather, but now I’m just “who cares, if they think I’m an idiot good for them”. I used to get really anxious wondering if I had said something wrong, it literally kept me awake at night.
So, here’s my question: is this social improvement due to my grades decrease? (Is it okay to use “decrease” with “grades”??) I don’t know. My grades used to worry me. I used to be an almost-straight-A kind of girl. I was good at studying. Damn it. Now I’m an almost-straight-F student. Now being the last two years.
That’s what keeps bugging me. The first year of university I kept being a good student, I had really good grades. But then second year came around and screw me up. I don’t know what the hell happened to me.
Other thing that bugs me is that I’m good at this shit. This shit being what I study which is maths. I get the explanations, the demonstrations, whatever, really fast in class. The problem is studying. I just suck at it.
I know, everybody hates studying. But this blog is about me, my self-centered self.
The idea of having to memorise a lot of stuff I don’t care about is just so frustrating. I didn’t finish High School, take my exams and everything to end up studying all that stuff. There are some things I like, even enjoy studying, but knowing that I also have to study shitty stuff keeps my mood down.
And then, finals came, stress came, self-hatred came, regret came. So here I am. Ranting. Rambling.
So in order to keep my mind in order (order order order) I decided to delete my Twitter account. Not the one linked to this blog (do I have any followers there?), my personal account. It feels so releasing and so sad at the same time. I opened it in 2012, good old times. I tweeted so much rubbish but also so many good tweets. I don’t know. It feels weird. Whatever. Social networks are so great and suck so much…
Well, if someone has read until here, thank you. Really. Thanks. I really appreciate it.